The decision was made

About 10 years ago, we (Dusty and I) decided we wanted two kids, first a boy and then a girl. We have been EXTREMELY blessed, we have Jake now 8 and Kayti just turned 6. When Kayti was 2 we decided that Dusty would "get fixed", I had to endure pregnancy and labor, it was HIS turn. So June of 2007, it finally happened...Dusty "got fixed". After about a month, he was to go back and get checked...make sure there are no swimmers left in there. He never went back, we just assumed everything was 'fine'. Back in 1998 I had a ectopic pregnancy, and lost my left fallopian tube, so it took me some time to conceive both my kids. This all being said, I missed my favorite time of the month in September. I took a test 2 weeks ago and it came out negative...

I secretly wish that he still has swimmers in there and despite all odds, I would love to have another baby. Financially not quite sure how we would manage, but I would welcome him/her with open arms! When I told Dusty (2 weeks ago) that there is a minuscule chance that I might be pregnant, I think he couldn't help but feel the same way...lets just say the look on his face was not disappointment.

Kinda Creepy

So I have been battling insomnia for a quite some time now. Not sure where its coming from, but one day I was able to sleep just fine, and the next day, not so much. I went to bed @ 10;30 last night and at 12 I was still tossing and turning. I have a real bad habit of not being able to fall asleep without the TV on, so of course I try to watch something interesting because heaven forbid I try to let the boredom lull me to sleep. Then I get into whatever I was watching, last night it was Hell's Kitchen, and even after its over I can't 'shut the brain down' I am exhausted, my eyes want to shut, but my mind keeps wondering.

About 12am I hear people walk by our bedroom window, of course I have to take a peak...as I am extremely nosey. There were three teenage boys, with spray paint cans in hand, walking down to the creek behind our condo...great! The hubs is asleep...do I go out there and say something...do I let it go? We live in a relatively good neighborhood, not much happens, so the odds of it being someone 'dangerous' is pretty slim, but do I chance it? I have two sleeping kids in the house. I let it go and watched through my blinds as they sprayed a bit here a bit there and kept walking down the path. about 30 min later, I here the spray can again, and of course I get out of bed and peek through the blinds just as they are walking by. They shined a flash light right in my bedroom window...and took off running. Me not being able to keep my mouth shut, had to yell back..."yeah you better run" like I was really going to be able to do something?!? For the next half hour I was pacing around the house making sure all the windows and doors were locked, making sure all the blinds were closed, I even shut poor Lola's (our dog) doggy door..she is a toy poodle...the doggy door is not that big, why I shut it, I have no idea??? Then I went back to bed and all I could think: if they were gang members they could just walk by my bedroom window and shoot me while I am sleeping....all I wanted to do is go outside and find out what they sprayed? Was it gang symbols = call cops, or just a bunch or kids being stupid = go back to sleep and deal w/ it later. After about an hour of panic, I fell asleep.

First thing this morning, I walk out there, because I am dying to know... and I see a bunch of dots...yes just dots = kids being stupid... Thank God!

Missing Maddie

I have a need to read posts about a beautiful little girl EVERY DAY. I am mesmerized by her smile, and her spirit and I have never even met her. I cling to these posts and I am not sure why? Is it because she was just so freakin adorable, yeah that probably has something to do with it, but I think it just amazes me how much she means to the world, to strangers (like me). It amazes me how much she was loved and adored by strangers (like me). I knew her mom for a short period of time during school, but to Maddie I am a stranger. She passed away this past April at a mere 17 months. It was as if I lost a memeber of my family...but "I have never even met her". For some time now I didn't really want to admit how much this effected my day to day with my own kids, because I felt stupid... yeah stupid, for feeling so much for someone I had never met. I have had the questions time and time again from friends and family: "Why do you read these blogs, they are just so sad?" "Why put yourself in that kind of pain, for a little girl you didn't even know" "I just don't know" is all I can say.

I just read a great quote from(yet again) someone I don't know posted on Heather's blog and it describes perfectly how I feel: "I have never found a blog that has more ’soul’ than this one. Each time I visit, I leave with an amazing feeling. I can’t figure out how we, the readers, have been blessed to share in your joys and pains dealing with Maddie. I have found myself looking at your posts and selfishly wanting more. Then, I think about all that you and Mike have given us, and remind myself that this is not just a blog, but it is indeed your life." -Keonte I don't know who this is, but finally someone was able to describe how I feel.

Why California Is Broke:

Re-Post of an e-mail I received from a friend - but I couldn't have said it better myself!

A GOOD REASON WHY CALIFORNIA IS BROKE

From a California school teacher - - "As you listen to the news about the student protests over illegal immigration, there are some things that you should be aware of: I am in charge of the English-as-a-second-language department at a large southern California high school which is designated a Title 1 school, meaning that its students average lower socioeconomic and income levels. Most of the schools you are hearing about, South Gate High, Bell Gardens, Huntington Park, etc., where these students are protesting, are also Title 1 schools. Title 1 schools are on the free breakfast and free lunch program. When I say free breakfast, I'm not talking a glass of milk and roll -- but a full breakfast and cereal bar with fruits and juices that would make a Marriott proud. The waste of this food is monumental, with trays and trays of it being dumped in the trash uneaten. (OUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK) I estimate that well over 50% of these students are obese or at least moderately overweight. About 75% or more DO have cell phones. The school also provides day care centers for the unwed teenage pregnant girls (some as young as 13) so they can attend class without the inconvenience of having to arrange for babysitters or having family watch their kids (OUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK) I was ordered to spend $700,000 on my department or risk losing funding for the upcoming year even though there was little need for anything; my budget was already substantial. I ended up buying new computers for the computer learning center, half of which, one month later, have been carved with graffiti by the appreciative students who obviously feel humbled and grateful to have a free education in America. (OUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK)  I have had to intervene several times for young and substitute teachers whose classes consist of many illegal immigrant students here in the country less then 3 months who raised so much hell with the female teachers, calling them "Putas" whores and throwing things that the teachers were in tears. Free medical, free education, free food, day care etc., etc., etc. Is it any wonder they feel entitled to not only be in this country but to demand rights, privileges and entitlements? To those who want to point out how much these illegal immigrants contribute to our society because they LIKE their gardener and housekeeper and they like to pay less for tomatoes: spend some time in the real world of illegal immigration and see the TRUE costs. Higher insurance, medical facilities closing, higher medical costs, more crime, lower standards of education in our schools, overcrowding, new diseases etc., etc, etc. For me, I'll pay more for tomatoes. We need to wake up. The guest worker program will be a disaster because we won't have the guts to enforce it .. Does anyone in their right mind really think they will voluntarily leave and return? It does, however, have everything to do with culture: A third-world culture that does not value education, that accepts children getting pregnant and dropping out of school by 15 and that refuses to assimilate , and an American culture that has become so weak and worried about " political Correctness" that we don't have the will to do anything about it. CHEAP LABOR? Isn't that what the whole immigration issue is about? Business doesn't want to pay a decent wage. Consumers don't want expensive produce Government will tell you Americans don't want the jobs. But the bottom line is cheap labor. The phrase "cheap labor" is a myth, a farce, and a lie. There is no such thing as "cheap labor." Take, for example, an illegal alien with a wife and five children. He takes a job for $5.00 or 6.00/hour. At that wage, with six dependents, he pays no income tax, yet at the end of the year, if he files an Income Tax Return, he gets an "earned income credit" of up to $3,200 free. He qualifies for Section 8 housing and subsidized rent. He qualifies for food stamps. He qualifies for free (no deductible, no co-pay) health care. His children get free breakfasts and lunches at school. He requires bilingual teachers and books. He qualifies for relief from high energy bills. If they are, or become, aged, blind or disabled, they qualify for SSI. Once qualified for SSI they can qualify for Medicare . All of this is at (our) taxpayer's expense . He doesn't worry about car insurance, life insurance, or homeowners insurance. Taxpayers provide Spanish language signs, bulletins and printed material. He and his family receive the equivalent of $20.00 to $30.00/hour in benefits. Working Americans are lucky to have $5.00 or $6.00/hour left after paying their bills and his. The American taxpayers also pay for increased crime, graffiti and trash clean-up. Cheap labor? YEAH RIGHT! Wake up people! THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS WE SHOULD BE ADDRESSING TO EITHER PARTY. 'AND WHEN THEY LIE TO US AND DON'T DO AS THEY SAY, WE SHOULD REPLACE THEM AT ONCE!'

Growing up

If you know Jake at all he is the least serious child you will ever meet - a big Goofball! A big Goofball that LOVES baseball.

Jake will practices during the week, have an hour practice on Sunday before a two hour game, and on the way home he will still BEG his dad to play catch with him when we get home. I LOVE watching him play. I love watching his passion for the game, when he is on that pitchers mound that Goofball turns into a little man...a man...but he is not a man he is just a little boy. The little baby boy that didn't get to come home from the hospital for 31 days because he weighed a mere 3lbs 9oz at birth, because he couldn't mantaine his body temperature, because he couldn't eat on his own, and he couldn't go a full night without sleep apnea. This was the same little man/boy on that mound. I choke up everytime he is up there, part of is because I know he wants that shut out so bad, I can feel it in my bones, but a bigger part is because he is here, a healthy 8 year old little man/boy.

Couldn't wait for his first word, then his first step, play his first sport...I couldn't wait...now I just want it to slow down I want to savor every moment. I know this is something a lot of parents go through, but recently I got a wake up call. "You have stop wishing the time away" it could be gone in the blink of an eye. Enjoy, Love and Savor every moment of every day.

Just Me

Name is Emese (EH-meh-sheh), you can guess from the name, I am not American...nope 100% Hungarian by blood. I've been Americanized by insemination aka Dusty (the husband).

Real quick background: I was born in Pecs,HU, moved to Germany when I was 6 and to Rhode Island when I was 8 then I blinked, and we moved again to Mountain View ( near San Francisco). Lived there for a couple years, then moved to Agoura Hills lived there for another two years and moved all around Ventura County. There is my childhood life in a nut shell...at least the where I come from part, the rest is much more interesting I PROMISE!

I am going to answer the 2 questions everyone always asks, to save you the trouble. Yes I speak Hungarian and No I don't speak German anymore. Third most popular question: No I have not been back to visit.

Today - still live in Ventura County, married to a (most of the time) great man, we have two great kids. Jacob aka Jake he is 8, and for the most part acts like a typical 8 year old boy, gets in trouble, gets dirty and picks on his little sister Kaitlyn aka Kayti. She is 5, going on 30, no joke sometimes I think she is better at this mom thing then me. Oh and the dog, Lola, a 1 year old toy poodle.

I am very open about my life ...I usually get the "write a book" from most people I share it with. Unfortunatly I am a great talker not a great writer, but I'll do my best not to sound like a total idiot.